THE KNIGHT 



OF 

THE RUM BOTTLE & CO. 

OR, THE 

SIPEECHMAKERS: ¥jj 

A MUSICAL FARCE, 

IN FIVE ACTS. 



Respectfully dedicated to the managers of the JVeW' 
York theatre y 

BY THE EDITOR OF 

THE CITY-HALL RECORDER. 



Nemo me impune lacessit." 



NEW- YORK : 

Pl[BLISHED BY DAVID LONGWORTH. 

At the Dramatic Repository, 
Shakspeare-Gallery. 

June — 1818. 






V 



DRAMATIS PERSONiE. 



The Knight of the Rum Bottle, 
A roman soothsayer, 
The giant Grumbo, 
Lothario, 

Yi>tn "genUe,na„, ^Z-"* *« -^^ «"-' 
Aristides, a gentleman of the bar. 
Counsellor at law, 
Attorney's clerk, assistant to the kjiight. 



THE KNIGHT 



THE RUM BOTTLE k CO. 



ACT I. 



SCENE I— -a SOOTHSAYER IS discovered with a great 
number of magical books on a table ^ arid among 
them the Roman History and Papers Homer ^ the 
latter of which he is perusing — he rises brandish^ 
ing his clenched Jist. 

Sooth. The greatest coward on the lists of fame. 
Whom I can find, is Thersites by nam^. 
And in mj'^ speech, to-morrow, if I can, 

I will compare him with that H n. 

And let me think, for he must have abuse. 

Can't I compare him to the rotian goose ? 

No, that won't do — another idea — good ! 

A direful wolf, who licks his chops with blood. 

Blood is one theme, but I'll lay greater stress 

On the immortal freedom of the press. 

Which will be lost, as I can have no doubt. 

If editors must have their brains beat out. 

Murder was in his heart ! I'll loudly bellow, 

And cry, assassin ! like a lusty fellow : 

And, if the court will suffer, I'll declaim 

Loudly against — " a deed without a name." 

Nor, in the speech, will I remain at home, 

I'll travel, first to Greece ; from thence, to Rome . 

From thence to London streets I'll bend my way, 

Where cockney pugilists despise foul play ; 



6 KNIGHT OF THE [Rogers. 

Where, if you give your foe, when down, a banging^ 

The mob will leave you at a lamp-post hanging. 

But words are wind, which passeth soon away, 

My matchless speech in print 1 must display. 

Now for the means— where shall I find a wight 

To whom I may repair when it is night ; 

He whose broad shoulders can sustain, alone, 

A lo?d of other's nonsense with his own ? 

I think of one who'll be a willing tool, 

Though he's a standing theme of ridicule 

For Cill the bar — but then (running his finger sin his 

heir) the devil's in't, 
The speech is lost unless it's put in print. 
" I do remember an apothecary," &c. [exit 



SCENE II — a cave strewn over with flaming political 
speeches, of old date, old cojnmissions and turned 
coats — the giant grumbo has a long speech writ- 
ten, over which he is coning — he rises with a look 
calculated to draw 

♦' Audience and attention still as night. 
Or summer's noontide air." 

Grum. Twill be my part, exclusively, to show 
What these cursed editors have done, should do j 
This theme will give me license to portray 
The wretch, and drag him to the light of day ; 
*' Vengeance is mine/' and that " I will repay." 
For in my hide he's been a grievous thorn. 
Which often has mj turn'd coat badly torn : 
Mispress my devious course hath oft berated, 
A nuisance vile, which ought to be abated. 
This speech, which I have con'd with so much 

care. 
Ought not to be consign'd to fields of air ; 
I know a wight to whom I will repair. [exit ' 

END OF THE FIRST ACT. 



Act II] RUM BOTTLE & CO. 



ACT II. 

SCENE i^discovers the knight of the rum bot- 
tle iVi an office, sitting by a table -with three law 
books thereon, odd volumes— a lighted candle al- 
most burnt to the socket— a rum bottle beside him^ 
and in the middle of the floor a nameless vessel, 
three fourths filled— the floor six inches deep with 
dirt— and in the room a bed, unmade for six 
weeks before. 

enter soothsayer, in disguise. 

Sooth. Do I disturb thy meditations deep, 
Or have I roused thee from thy midnig-ht sleep ? 
As far as my own information reaches, 
I've learn'd that thou could'st manufacture speeches 
Which would reverberate from shore to shore, 
Shake fair Wyoming's vale, and make the welkin 
roar ! 
Knight. Thou flatterest roe y {hiccups] I've done 
such things, [hiccups) but now 
Excuse me, for I feel {hiccups) I dont know bow. 
Sooth. What aileth thee ? I fear that thou art 

sick. 
Knight. A constitutional disease, (hiccups) which 
quick 
Will end : [hiccups) I'll further talk with you anon. 
Sooth. Speak quick ; the glimmering taper's al- 
most gone. 
Knight. To Susquehanna's wave I'll waft thy 
name, 
Place it on lec— [hiccups)— ords of eternal fame : 
There's one thing only of you I beseech, 
To help me pay the pnnteT— write thy speech. 
One other thing — [hiccups) 
Sooth. Already there are two. 



8 KNIGHT OF THE [Rogers 

{aside) Pshaw! drunk i {sticking his fingers in his 

hair) I fear that he will never do. 

[ai this moment the candle goes suddenly out, 

and in staggering about to get another, the 

nameless vessel is turned over by the knight} 

Sooth. What, in the name of goodness, do I leel, 

In copious torrents rush against ray heel ? 

{knock, knock, knock) 

GRUMBO enters, and the soothsayer, unperceived, 
passes him and escapes. 
Grum. {feeling about in the dark) " Fee ! faw ! 
" fum ! 
*' I smell" — what can it be, that's mix'd with rum ? 
Zounds ! fire and brimstone ! which I never fear, 
It will not do an instant to stay here. 

[he holds his nose, and takes to his heels 

END OF THE SECOND ACT. 



ACT in. 

SCENE I — a couri-room is discovered, crowded with 
spectators — when the trial is about half over, the 
KNIGHT is seen with a huge bundle of waste paper, 
trying to seat himself at the table where the counsel 
engaged are — but, being denied admission, he 
seats himself exactly where he has no business — an 
understrapper in an attorney^ office, about the 
time the counsel commence summing up, also seats 
himself as assistant, and they pretend to write 
*' short-hand.''* 

They sit, and write, and roll their eyes about, 
And hear the giant roar and make a rout ; 
The roman soothsayer bellow, stamp and rave, 
And conjure ghosts of grecians from the grave. 
And repeat, six score times, " gentlemen of the 

jury," 
And beat and belabbr the air like a fury, [exeuni^ 



Act III] RUM BOTTLE k CO. 



SCENE II — discovers the field marshal in a room 
Cf '^ered with bundles of newspapers. 

Ma'>^ [solus] Twas bad, twas monstrous bad -, 
I'll go no further 
In making out that he intended murder, 
Tnat Haviland and Groesbeck saw the whole : 
He struck with fist, before, upon my soul. 
And then the charge was strong for the defendant ; 
I must haul in my horns, I may depend on't. 

enter the knight of the rum bottle, with a 
proof sheet y which he hands to the marshal. 

Mar, What's this ? 

Knight. A proof sheet of your testimony : 
Pray look at it, and see if it's errone- 
ous, {marshal examines it hastily) 

Mar. It is wrong in every line and word, 
Tis scandalous, ridiculous, absurd. 
Why, man, your sentences have no connexion, 
Tis all a hotchpotch ; it defies correction. 

Knight. The counsel now are writing out their 
speeches. 

Mar. The counsel ! sure : pray, sir, of them 
which is ? 

Knight. Ttere's Grumbo and the roman sooth- 
sayer 
Have both engaged to furnish speeches rare : 
Then there's Lothario. 

Maf. {interrupting him) Grumbo, did you say ? 
Will he write out his speech entire, I pray ? 

Knight. He said so. 

Mar. If he does as he has said, 
And you report, I'll break your empty head ; 
I'll raise the city, and will storm your castles, 
Though stronger than a half a dozen bastiles. 

Knight. There's Grumbo, now. 

Mar. Let's hear what he will say. 
B 



10 KNIGHT OF THE [Rogers 

enter grumbo. 

Shall you write out your speech entire, T pray ? 
For ifyou do, why then I know the course 
I must adopt, {casting his eyes to a pair of holsters 
hanging up) as sure as I'm no horse. 
Grumbo. [turns pale and trembles) Field mar- 
shal, pray, why do you run so hard on 
Your servant, 'fore he speaks ? 1 ask your pardon. 
I hope that in the speech I've not oitended : 
To point atyouy in no pari was intended. 

Mar. It was ; for you descanted on a cruel thing 
'Gainst wives. And then, again you touch'd on 

duelling : 
What did you mean, by matters of that sort 
You spoke of ? now I dare you to report 

[looking furiously at both) 
That speech entire in manner it was spoken. 
Knight, {aside — trembling) I fear that /shall get 

my cal'bash broken. 
Grumbo. The speech, if any thing's obnoxious 
in't, 
Can be abridged before it goes to print. 
It shall be done ; and nought to public view 
Shall be disclosed which hinges ought on you. 
Mar. I thank thee, Grumbo : give me now thy 
hand, 
Let us on terms o{ former friendship stand. 

[to the knight) 
And now, sir knight, as yours is so errone- 
ous, I'll write you out my testimony. 

[exeunt Grumbo and kf^ght 
Mar. [solus) I almost regret that I engaged to 
do any thing in this business. I perceive there is 
a scandalous invasion of the right, though imper- 
fect, of an industrious man with some talents, who 
several years ago, commenced an original under- 
taking in this cit}^ with whose business these ^en- 
tlemen of the bar are about interfering ; for the 
knight, unaided by them, can do nothing. 1 have 



Act III] RUM BOTTLE &, CO, 11 

also too, on divers occasions, placed g:arbled state- 
ments of interesting trials, sometimes from hearsay, 
in the columns of my paper, and I have often en- 
deavored to engage deputy clerks to furnish me re- 
ports ; and I have sometimes succeeded. And yet, 
again, sometimes I have infringed his copy-right by 
publishing from his book without leave. My con- 
science tells Hie all this is utterly wrong. [exit 



SCENE III — discovers the SOOTHSAYER in his room 
in his shirt sleeves, biting his nails, sweating , pon- 
dering, blotting out, and interlining and fixing a 
long speech. 

enter grumbo, lothario, and aristides. 

Jlrist. Gentlemen, I perceive the course you are 
pursuing towards an industrious member of the pro- 
fession, with whose peculiar relative situation to- 
wards us we are all apprized, is unjust and most 
ungenerous. He came into this city a stranger ; he 
interfered with no man's business ; he commenced 
an original undertaking, and has pursued it with 
perseverance until this time. And the utility of his 
labors was appreciated by some, or one of you, on 
the late trial. It is his living. And now will you 
give countenance, will you aid, abet or assist such 
a creature as the knight, in making out a report ? 
will you thus trample on peculiar private rights ? 
I attended the trial, was neutral between the par- 
ties, and am bold to tell you, that it is unpardona- 
ble vanity in you, or either of you, to wish your 
speeches to appear ; for the court excluded all tes- 
timony of that to which the greatest part of your 
philippicks applied. 

Grum. Rights ! has not any man a right in court 
To sit, take dotvn, and publish a report ? 

Arist. I do not deny but that he has strictly a Ic- 



12 KNIGHT OF THE [Rogers 

gal right; but I maintain, that the unnecessary ex- 
ercise of even a legal right, infringing on very pecu- 
liar imperfect rights, dearer, perhaps, to the pos- 
sessor than legal rights, is unjust and most ungene- 
rous. Why are laws enacted to secure literary 
property irom invasion ? why but to guard rights 
sacred, but in themselves imperfect ? 

Loth. I feel it's wrong. 

Sooth. I almost think so too. 

Grum. But now we've gone so far, what shall 
we do ? 
I've finish'd mine„ 

Sooth. Not quite. 

Loth. Mine's not begun, 
{aside) And if it were , {laying his hand on his breast) 

it should not meet the sun 
In the knight's book. 



END OF THE THIliD ACT. 



ACT IV. 

SCENE I — the curtain rises, and discovers the knight 
at a table covered with speeches in different hand 
writings, reading a note — he rolls up his eyes, and 
looks amazed. 

Knight, {reads) ' Sunday morning — sir, I have 

* understood that, under the influence of Grumbo's 
' client, you intend to mangle, and mar, and misstate 

* the facts. If you do, and neglect to follow, im- 

* plicitly, my directions, I shall protest against the 
' report. Beware— take care— how 5'^ou rear — the 



Act IV] RUM BOTTLE & CO. 13 

* raging bear — who will tear — for I declare — I wiU 
' not bear — such things — 

' From thee, sir knight. 
♦ *'By day or night, 
' " Or any other light," 
' With thee "I'll fight.'" 

{rolling his eyes strangely) 
I did not expect such a terrible volley, 
But appearances now begin to look squally. 
There's no other way through this tempest to ride, 
Except to join in with the opposite side. [exit 



SCENE II — a counsellor'' s office, a brick building ad- 
joining a large brick house — the counsellor has a 
client consulting him — -finding him busily en- 
gaged, the KNIGHT, on entering, begins to address 
him — but the counsellor takes no notice — in a few 
moments the client goes out. 

Knight. I wanted to say {hiccups) that I've made 

a report 
Of that case which was tried t'other day in the court, 
In which you was counsel, and made that great 

speech, 
Which I fear that no effort of " short-hand" could 

reach. 
Alas ! nought remains, but in mem'ry now floats, 
Of that great production, for Fve lost the notes ; 
And, there's really no way the ideas to recover. 
Unless, my dear colonel, you write your speech 

over. 
Couns. I write a speech ! I never did such a 
thing in my life. Besides, I've no ambition that 



1-i KNIGHT OF THE [Rogers 

you should be my trumpeter. I tell you plain\y, 

you're a sot, an imposter. 

Dont come to me about your speeches, 
Or else this foot shall reach those breeches. 

[the knight takes to his heels 

enter a young gentleman, wearing a cockade. 

Y. Gent. What shall I do with that besotted fel- 
low ? he is continually haunting me about his re- 
port ; and says my friend, the marshal, has abused 
liim ; and he showed me a reply, wherein the sot 
seems to disregard the marshal's threats. I shrewd- 
ly suspect, indeed he intimated, that he wanted a 
bribe. 

Couns. I tell you what, have nothing to do with 
him, unless 3^ou want a little sport by keeping him 
drunk. [exeunt 

END OF THE FOURTH ACT. 



A C T V. 

SCENE I — the KNIGHT discovered in his office^ which 
is filled with huge piles of pamphlets, *' taken in 
short-hand" — he has a large new tin trumpet, 
fifteen feet long, which he is essaying to blow — on 
the table is a rum bottle, filled. 

enter soothsayer and grumbo. 

Knight. Tis done. Your fame to future ages 
Will pass, with my immortal pages. 
Not Sheridan, nor even Burke, 
E'er spoke such speeches as my work 
Contains. 

Grumbo. Let's hear a specimen 
Of that which flow'd forth from thy pen. 



Act V] RUM BOTTLE & CO. 15 

Knight, {reads) ' Those scenes are past, and I 

* do not revive their recollection to wound the feel- 

* ings of any man ; it is now time, perhaps, that 
I * charity, with its mantle of oblivjon, should cancel 

* their remembrance for ever.' Sublime ! 

Soothsayer, [aside) A fine mantle, indeed, this 
must be ; 
The nymph, doubtless, was airy and gay ; 
But then, its great use I can't see, 
I In canceling remembrance for aye ! 

Knight. Dear soothsayer, now, if you'll be stili, 
I'll read you something from your quill. 
(reads) ' What is about to take place within these 

* walls may form a precedent, bearing with deci ■ 

* sive influence upon the mighty question, ( 1) ' whe- 
' ther our country is henceforth to be the abode of 
I peace or of violence V (2) ' whether in future 

the dirk and stiletto, or courts and juries, are to 
' be the arbiters of justice V ' Sublime ! 
Grumho. What mighty question's this ? you've 
stated two ; 
And why are dirks and daggers brought to view ? 
[ cannot see their bearing or their sense, 
Vor dirk nor dagger was in evidence. 
Knight, {seizing his trumjut] I do and shall 
maintain to th' end ol time, 
rhat this is grand, and lofty, and sublime. 

{the knight, in trying to make a huge blast with 
his trum2)et, and a rhetoricaljlourish, adapt- 
ed to the rapture with which he is inspired, 
turns over the rum bottle and spills the rum— 
at the same instant the field marshal enters, 
sweating wider a huge brazen speaking trum 
pet, thirty feet Long, in the trumpet end of 
which he deliberately Jits the blowing end of 
the knighfs trumpet, and fxes the trumpets 
carefully across the table, running the 
knighfs trumpet about ten feet out of the win- 
doic-'-he then applies /uV mouth-— loud bJast) 



16 KNIGHT OF THE he. [Rogers 

Mar. I've just read the report, which in "short- 
hand^^ was taken, 
By that witch of all witches, the great mr. knight ; 
Tiiough not free from error, {blast lowered) being 

in rum hogshead soaken, 
The speeches are nearly the same as were (writ- 
ten — low) spoken. 
And I now, on the word of an editor, state 
The report's interesting, and most accurate. 
There's one sad affair, a very great pity. 
Which with tears should o'erwheim both the coun- 
try and cit3r ; 
Alas ! by the loss of his notef by the knight, 
A great speech is strangled ere usher'd to light ! 



THE END OF THE KNIGHT OF THE RUM BOTTLE, 



* It was a fact, known to the field marshal, that the two principal 
speeches in the report were written and furnished by the respective 
counsel ; that the first thing stated on the title page {'■'■taken in short- 
ftarad") was a ridiculous pretence; and that the gentleman, the notes 
of whose speech are alleged to be lost, very properly refused to write 
\iis speech. Here is, therefore, as well a luggestio falsi, as a suppressio 
'wri. It is a hoax, an imposition on the public, unworthy of an ediloi 
of I public journal. 



HJ« 'in 



